INSIGHTS

Turn Setbacks into Setups

Does Bad Sex Mean The Relationship Is Over?

May 31, 2019

Ever had amazing sex on a one night stand?

It’s certainly possible, but it’s not really the norm. Media and film would have us believe that once you’re in bed with Mr. or Ms. Right, the sex will be fantastic…but the truth is that getting into the groove often requires time and practice.

Sometimes, we forget that part—at least, until we have a clear reminder in our own life. For example, maybe you’ve been coasting on the honeymoon period, while the sheer newness of your relationship is incredibly exciting…and then, it happens. That first sexual encounter is bad.

You might be under the impression that the two of you are just sexually incompatible, but that’s not necessarily the case.

Don’t jump ship right away.

You’re allowed to feel a little disappointed. After all, you’ve finally ditched the dating apps because you’ve found a person you really like, someone whose company you enjoy. You’ve had a wonderful time getting to know them, and you’ve more than likely built up that first sexual encounter in your head as something perfect.

Instead, things were underwhelming, to say the least. But don’t be so quick to brush your partner off! Bad sex is a sign that you should slow down and hash things out, but it doesn’t have to torpedo your relationship.

The truth is that sometimes, you simply have to make an effort to improve the sexual component of a relationship, especially a new one. You’ll need to invest some time to develop that spark—but that doesn’t make your connection any less real.

Decide how to improve.

Once you’ve committed to working on your relationship, the first step is to figure out why you don’t connect sexually.

For example: was there alcohol involved? Drinking makes you tipsy, it can make you struggle to orgasm, and it dampens your emotions and mental acuity—Which can make it harder to feel those fireworks. Did you both have nerves? Everyone feels a little self-conscious the first time, and the extra weight of that anxiety can really bring down your mood, even making it harder to perform. Do you simply have different opinions on what makes for “good sex?” Everyone’s body is different. Maybe you like something different from what your partner is used to, or vice versa. Or maybe you both just need a little more experimentation to find a position that works for both of you.

Hash it out.

This next step can be the hard part: you’ll want to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other. If you feel like the first round of sex was bad, chances are that they do as well—even if they’ve been too polite to bring it up just yet.

Be brave, and make sure the conversation stays respectful, self-aware, and understanding. You’re not trying to put the blame anywhere, just to put it out in the open and figure out how to develop a fulfilling sexual relationship from there.

Practice, practice, practice.

It’ll feel a little nerve-wracking the next time, with both of you trying to measure any and all improvements from the first round of sex. But keep at it! Don’t be afraid to show each other that you’re excited and interested in continuing, even if you don’t jump from underwhelming to brilliant overnight.

If you’re in a relationship for the long haul, that means investing time and effort in figuring out what makes each other tick on any level, and sex is no different. Remember to go into this with a positive attitude: after all, learning about your partner is part of what’s so exciting about a new relationship in the first place! And if you’re working on improvement, pick up our guide to true sex appeal for some scientifically proven tips to get you there.